Warning: Spoilers ahead. Do not read unless you have finished the story.

introduction - technical - love - annotations - quotes - music - trivia - research - notes - conclusion
 

Introduction:

Screw you; I did my NaNoWriMo a month early.

Er, except not. Nevermind.

I'm glad to say in any case that every fanfiction project I've undertaken to date has been significantly different in its design, and this one is no exception. In fact, I'm proud of it especially for the fact that it's so drastically different than what I've approached before.

It is, in many ways, a thought story. That most of the dialogue (and it is, I've noticed in retrospect, the damned talkiest story I've ever done) is conducted mentally is not the main issue, but rather that most of the story is spent strictly in a single character's point of view. This character might vary from scene to scene, and on a few rare occasions when there was no way to change perspective without an obtrusive scene break I might have pulled off a bit of Transfer-POV that got most of its airing in Ie no Ha, but for the most part this is consistent. Shielding one character's perspective from the others allows the reader to see those other characters purely as their exterior shells, and then later see them from the inside looking out, and see the shifts that occur.

And I'm going to make this distinction here and now because I'd have really appreciated someone else to tell me this when I was younger: I didn't plan that. I didn't plan anything. Go through this story and find symbolism and metaphors and What I Was Really Trying To Say and I'll give you a blank look. Writers, at least as far as I'm aware, don't go around orchestrating this. It just sort of pops up. And certainly wouldn't seem worth commending the person for.

Or that might just be me. As should become evident in some of the notes data later on, this story's design is at least partially autobiographical in a sense. I write mostly at the behest of a muse, and though it isn't nearly on the level of communication or control that Sanzo and Kougaiji ended up having, it is a similar feeling to have someone else's voice-but-not-a-voice in your head. (And no, I don't have multiple personality disorder anymore than Kougaiji did. For the gods' sake, I'm an atheist and I still got stuck with a muse. It's like someone's having a good laugh somewhere.) My muse Cassandra ended up having an especially controlling presence over this story, moreso than others we've worked on in the past. The material came so fast, and was so lucid that I was forced into getting this done at an unreasonably fast pace or risk losing the thread altogether. And since people actually read this one while it was on its livejournal run, I was loathe to just give it up.

I didn't go temporarily blind this time. I didn't ruin my hands typing too much. I did nearly make myself late to class some mornings by being in the middle of a scene and forgetting to watch the clock, but none of my professors have dropped me yet so it's all good. Actually, I daresay this is the most contented fun I've had with a writing project in a long time.

And hopefully there was a bit of enjoyment in it for you too, regardless of all the problems. Sometimes an ideafic is simply what it is. If we halted all the stories that weren't appropriate to write, the world would either be a much better place (no FFN, for example) or much worse off. We'll never know.
 

Technical:

start date: 21 September, 2004

end date: 26 October 2004

Written entirely in Notepad, transferred to Netscape Composer.

Made for livejournal.com, reposted with corrections on karose.com. Link free, but do not redistribute without express permission. (This includes print-outs.)

Final file size (minus epilogues, accidentals, and this page): 342Kb

Word count: 54,913
 

The Love Issue:
 

There came a point in one of the latter chapters where I stepped back from what I was writing and realized quite suddenly that this was going against most of what I've ever said with respect to love, romance, and its presence in amateur literature. Namely, it came when Sanzo told Kougaiji he was in love.

We're a terrible society. At some point we told girls that they shouldn't sleep with anyone unless they Really Truly Love them, and instead of this having the effect of making them a bit more chaste and careful (which, although I'm a sex-positive individual as a general rule, might actually be a good thing), most just started proclaiming everlasting love to anyone who gave them the time of day. As a biological female I'm sometimes embarrassed for my sex with the way we tend to carry on. That this habit of girls has transferred to fanfiction is no surprise given its female-dominated nature, but I wish clearer heads would prevail once in a while.

I want love and sex to be treated as two different ideas that just happen to occasionally work better in conjunction, but can function just fine without. My first foray into slash was a complaint against the sugar-coated love-to-justify-sex phenomenon plaguing the fanfiction world, this hard-wired belief that two individuals cannot have sex unless it is under condition of true everlasting love, deep-seated emotional rather than physical desire, and complete consent of both parties. Er, no. Would that clamping our ears shut and going "lalalalala!" would just eliminate things like rape and unrequited infatuation so painful it hurts and sex that only sinks us down into a pit of depression instead of being magical and happy. It's probably one of the most debilitating literary clichés devised. Yes, worse than Mary Sues.

So, why did I just make some sappy emo story with two very externally cold individuals going around talking like teenage girls? Because that's what it is if you take the critical view.

Both Kougaiji and Sanzo have issues having a lot to do with their parental figures, and as a result exhibit difficulty properly associating with people. We can draw these conclusions without much study of the source material. It's obvious. But despite Kougaiji's awkwardness and Sanzo's unchained malevolence, they're both strangely charismatic individuals. They're the recipients of a lot of unsolicited affection. And whether or not it's sexual, both have teammates that love them.

What we have are a pair of men slightly at a loss for how to respond to some things. On the outside they can cope in any number of ways, by politely accepting the advances of others but maintaining a wall, like Kougaiji, or lashing out violently at anyone who dares to get close, like Sanzo. But that's thought filtered through an understanding of expectations and filtered further through physical action, and we should all be aware that what we subconsciously think and what we end up expressing or doing can be very different.

And though I could just as easily dismiss everything I wrote on the subject of love as something specific to the story and inapplicable to the characters themselves, something I could never even agree with outside of this story's setting, I feel somehow that what I did was the right course. Deep in their hearts of hearts I can't shake the idea that they have no qualms whatsoever with being in love. Because they want that promise of a love without hurt the same way our society's girls do. They just don't expect to find it, and deny it when they see it.

This, of course, is just an interpretation. It may be nothing but a skewed perception of their personalities as I usually adopt by the end of the story. And apart from that, my notions of love tend to change, especially in writing, and especially on a case-by-case basis depending on the characters involved. Hence,

Love like they talked about in books was bullshit and it didn't exist. [...] And maybe to someone somewhere else, this was false too. But it didn't matter.

And now the main attraction:

Annotations:
 

"To the priest, though, the network's true nature was immaterial for the moment."

But it may be prudent to note that the idea for it draws itself from Searching for Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede. A concept that has also reincarnated at several points in other fanfiction of mine, notably my NiGHTS AU stories.

"Don't treat me like some fucking canary."

Which is a hell of a lot more appropriate here than when it's applied to females in some state of entrapment, because only male canaries sing. (One of the things that just nagged at me in Final Fantasy IX. Because I'm a nitpicker.)

"Life had become a heartbeat that never came to rest."

From the song "Wish" from Lola rennt: "I wish I was a person with unlimited breath / I wish I was a heartbeat that never comes to rest."

"He had called Sanzo a crouching tiger. Sanzo said he didn't go to picture shows."

"Crouching tiger, hidden dragon" is not in fact purely the name of a movie, it's also a Chinese phrase meaning to hide one's strength or abilities.

"Heh, honestly you could learn a little on how to hold back restrain yourself."

Similar to a remark made by Forrester in Finding Forrester, after patiently listening to the younger Jamal go on at length about slightly inappropriate subjects, and then being called on for not talking more about himself.

"I couldn't exactly petition to have someone get you some underwear! Kougaiji snapped."

Meaning that this fanfic doesn't lie in the same timeline as my first Saiyuki fanfic, 24 Candles, or else Kougaiji would already have a pair of Sanzo's underwear on hand.

"But none of that was anything compared to the stasis tank."

See also connotations with Jenova, from Final Fantasy VII. Although even that could be said to be a partial basis for Rasetsunyo's appearance in the manga.

"I found out about that. Painkillers, nerve neutralizers, estrogen supplements-- You're growing breasts?"

Admittedly I'm not sure of the medical correctness of any of this, or where I should go to find out. The idea of pumping estrogen supplements into Sanzo's system is a counterpart to my sci-fi roleplaying character DC Cid, a female space marine so junked up on testosterone supplements that she's frequently mistaken for a male transvestite.

"Unlubricated, rough contact only tolerable because of familiarity, and the shared knowledge that they weren't planning to make an evening of this."

Which is entirely reasonable so stop pitching a fit about it. A relaxed and familiar partner would be just fine without lube, so long as you aren't planning to go all night. There's quite a lot more to intercourse than just your standard amenities, and the level of trust between members can go a long way on its own... Besides, sometimes rough is good.

"Not exactly a soup question, is it?"

Another line from Finding Forrester. Although lacking the context here, in the film this is a recurring remark made when either of the protagonists asks the other a question not directly pertinent to themselves (such as Jamal asking Forrester if he ever goes outside) as opposed to ones that are (such as Jamal asking why Forrester's soup skins up).

"Total lightweight, Sanzo said with disappointment."

...Which is exactly what Kougaiji called Sanzo (for different reasons) in 24 Candles.

"Tamil, please. I don't have all day."

Lacking any other reference to judge by, I'm presuming Houtou Castle and its inhabitants are South Indian. This is mostly because my reference for All Things Indian, Rulinian, is South Indian, speaks Tamil, and knows better than I do. (Although I can confirm with a bit more certainty that Sanzo-ikkou probably speak Mandarin.) (Edit: Apparently the original legend did take the characters to South India, so Tamil should indeed be right.)

"Not sure if this is an observation with any relevancy to you, but... do you feel the house getting bigger?"

All of these House of Leaves references are entirely deliberate. I think I was vaguely hoping I could freak Auguris out.

"It distorts things the same way black holes distort light."

A brief clarification: it's widely understood that black holes have gravity so great that even light cannot escape their depths, but even outside that, light surrounding the black hole will be bent, slowed, and otherwise distorted by this gravity. This is why if a person were to ever be observed entering a black hole, we would never actually see him disappear into it, for how the gravity would continually slow the light being transmitted back to us.

"'We've been over this. It's a robe. And you know it.'"

A slight adaptation of a discussion by Kronk's shoulder angel and demon, in The Emperor's New Groove. "We've been over this. It's a harp. And you know it." "Right. That's a harp... and that's a dress." "ROBE!"

Someday I'll stop reffing this movie in fanfics. It just isn't today.

"...and took the forbidden seats as readily as Sir Galahad sat himself down on the Siege Perilous."

"Siege Perilous" (or something close to it anyway) literally means "perilous seat" in French, so this is actually rather a redundant sentence. But I can get away with it, so there.

"'But 'niichan, your hair looks pretty braided up...'"

The entire start of my Kougaiji fascination began with doing little doodle-sketches for K. Koumori, to package with the Saiyuki poster she had bought off me. Finding myself with a corner of empty space and nothing to do, I drew Kougaiji silently suffering a hair-braiding by his little sister. Then again, long-haired as I am, and with a little sister of my own, this is just as easily autobiographical. As well as the note about the hazards of not brushing... But, look, it naturally goes into locks. That tells me he has some curling going on...

"'Have you met Princess Grisha, dear?'"

Grisha is a Russian name, described as a pet form of Grigori, or the class of watcher angels that sired the Nephilim with humans.

...And as for the mention of Kougaiji's cousin Vladimir, consider the Vlad the Impaler > Dracula connection, and how one can easily look at Kougaiji and see how, between the pointed ears and slitted eyes and fangs and claws, he would be a shoe-in for Nosferatu. I dare someone to write a story like that.

"Somina / Ominas / Minaso / Inasom / Nasomi / Asomin ..."

This is a sleep chant borrowed from The Wicca Book of Divination by Callia Underhill. It actually works. For me, anyway.

"...and yet it seemed, he had a way so familiar somehow that could not be recognized, for the blood on his face and the blood in his own eyes."

From the song "Origin of Love" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch: "You had a way so familiar / I could not recognize / 'cause you had blood on your face / I had blood in my eyes. / But I could swear by your expression / that the pain down in your soul was the same / as the one down in mine."

"'Are you sure? Um. Mourning color and all...'"

White is considered the color of mourning in India and surrounding areas.

"The third-quarter moon had just arced above the mountain tops when Kougaiji had reached the top of the tower. By the time it was halfway to zenith, things had not improved."

For reference: third-quarter moon rises at midnight, and sets at noon. Zenith occurs when the moon is at its highest point, so at around 6 AM. Therefore, halfway to zenith equals around 3 AM. (And yes, because this is day 14 in the story, that means Sanzo awoke on or near first quarter moon.)

"...eyes that didn't belong to him wide and glowing, seeing the little dips into the infrared that human eyes were not granted, watched the actual heat rise in the blood around that crushed neck."

Infrared exists just below red in the electromagnetic spectrum, just outside the human range of visible light. Since heat generates light (hence why an anvil will glow red, then orange, then white, as it's heated) to see lower into this spectrum would allow a person to actually see this heat as a visible force. Or such is my understanding.

"'Fuck you,' Kougaiji said. Nii smiled brightly as if he'd just been complimented. 'Thank you.'"

Similar to an exchange ("Blow me." "Thank you.") by Dade and The Plague in Hackers. The logic being that The Plague is quite nearly Nii Jianyi, minus the bunny doll fetish.

"'Alprazolam, if you would. Five milligrams.'"

The chemical name for Xanax, a sedative-hypnotic affecting the central nervous system whose side-effects include light-headedness and, more severely, "visual disturbances." Therefore, a potential means by which to place a patient under suggestion. It should also be noted that the daily intake of this should never exceed 4mg. And that, obviously, it's not meant for non-humans. (...OKAY OKAY. I couldn't find sufficient material on hypnotic drugs used in asylums on short notice, all right?!)

"'I dreamt I killed you, and ate your liver with a nice chhabri.'"

From arguably the best-known line in Silence of the Lambs: "A census taker tried to test me once. I ate his liver, with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti." (Chhabri is an Indian white wine. Or at least that's what I've come across. Honestly, wine websites are remarkably unhelpful for anyone not fully-versed in wines to start with.)

"When the crops waved in hot late summer breeze, and the sky was a deep violet."

Recall that the sky achieves its blue appearance by the scattering of light waves. Violet, indigo and blue, having the shortest wavelengths, are scattered the most, but because human eyes do not perceive the purple shades altogether well, we see the sky as blue. It would therefore make sense that youkai, with different sensitivities to light, would understand the color of the sky differently, possibly leading farther into the purples of the spectrum. (Of course, given the claim that youkai already see into the infrared, this here would make the suggestion that they also see close to the ultraviolet.)

"'I sort of like being around you, Genjo,' he said to him. 'I wish we really could have known each other when we were kids.'"

Well, I thought this line was entirely original on my part, but then I happened to rewatch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to find it was virtually identical to a line said by Joel to Clementine. And. Well. I guess I could never get away with the claim that there isn't a bit of Sunshine all over this fic, so yes, let's call it a reference.

"...she did have a good store of alchemical knowledge under her obi."

An obi is the broad sash worn around the midsection in a kimono, very similar to the sash that Yaone wears as part of her regular attire.

"'Hold on a second. You've been speaking Mandarin with him this whole time?'"

Although we can't really know what language Sanzo-ikkou are speaking in Shangri-La (since for all the world they speak with distinctive Japanese expressions, with Japanese names and suffixes, and don't really come off too Chinese actually), the nearest point of reference I had was Chang'an, or what is modern-day Xi'an, where the local language is Mandarin. So, it would make the most sense if this was the dialect Sanzo was speaking, and therefore the others in the group would either be speaking this already or have switched over to it to accommodate him.

"'Smith and Wesson M.10, standard K frame, wood grip, five-slot chamber, three-inch compact barrel, sight good for standard velocity .38 Special 158 SWC at twenty-three yards.'"

And not, you'll notice, an exorcism gun, which seems to be completely an invention of the anime. Maybe that changes in the manga later on, but I've opted for the more reasonable course here. (About specs: I pulled information I found on regular M.10s, but I'm not sure of accuracy because I was slightly rushed. Additionally, the compact barrel is a unique feature to Sanzo's gun and I'm not too sure of how that would influence the gun's capabilities. Update: According to Permetaform the shorter barrel would most likely decrease accuracy [shorter sight and spin for the bullet] but increase power [less friction].)

"'Twenty-five yards,' Kougaiji corrected immediately."

Another exchange echoing Hackers.

The Plague: "This nasty virus crashed fifteen hundred systems in one day."

Dade: "Fifteen hundred and seven."

"'The barrel, of course, not standard size, but custom. If I was a particular proponent of Freud I could be hazarding a guess on something right now.'"

One of the points of Sigmund Freud's psychiatric philosophy boils down to the notion that everything becomes a sexual symbol eventually. It's not even much of a stretch of reasoning to consider guns to be euphemistic, of course. And I always did wonder why the barrel of Sanzo's gun was so short. Either he's very, very honest, or he's trying to underexaggerate something.

"'But I'm still getting back to you about that quantum physics theory...'"

A K.A. Rose fanfic without a Schrödinger's Cat reference is like a day without sunshine, you should all know that by now.

For the uninitiated, Schrödinger's Cat is a hypothetical model discussing the unreality of quantum outside a quantum level. It is demonstrated thusly: if you were to put a cat in a box so to seal it completely, and otherwise make it impossible to observe the events inside, and in this box in one corner is a container of radioactive material, and in another corner is a container of lethal gas, and that with every second passed there is an exactly 50-50 chance of the radioactive material shedding an electron to trigger the poisonous gas, and because there is no way to tell whether the cat is alive or dead, the cat is effectively alive and dead at the same time, until the experiment is observed and the waveform collapses and you are left with just a cat or, depending, a very dead cat. The argument of the thought experiment being, since a cat can't be alive and dead at the same time, how can it be on a molecular level?
 

Quotes to consider:

"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also."
-- Christian Bible (King James Version), John 14:1-3

"We have no great war, no great depression. Our great war is a spiritual war; our great depression is our lives."
--Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt), Fight Club

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
--The Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear, from Dune by Frank Herbert.

"One imagines that if Kougaiji ever fell in love, he'd fall hard."
--K.A. Rose, in conversation with K. Koumori.
 

Music:

"Inside Out" (main theme), "Believe", and "Cigarette" - Yellowcard
"Origin of Love" - Hedwig and the Angry Inch
"Raining" - Cocco
"Bullet with Butterfly Wings" - Smashing Pumpkins (Kougaiji's theme)
"Want" - Recoil (Sanzo's theme)
"Into the Dark" - The Juliana Theory
"Nemo", "Ghost Love Score" - Nightwish

And some suggested by other people:

"Breathing" - Yellowcard
"On the Way Down" - Ryan Cabrera (DoKou theme)
"Angels", "Stargazer", and "These Living Arms" - The Tea Party
"Brand New Colony" - The Postal Service
 

Trivia:

-"Seventh Beat - Day 13" was written primarily on 13 October.
-About a week before writing the final chapter, my city did indeed see (very light) rain under a blue sky. However, the ending of the story was already decided long before this.
-Nightwish's "Ghost Love Score", the song written to for most of "Twelfth Beat - Day 28", finished just as I wrote the last line.
-Was originally intended as a standard three-parter. You can imagine why that didn't work out.
-Is the first fic in my writing history not written in Netscape Composer, but in Notepad. This is because it was originally posted in my online journal, and I needed to manually put in all the html for italics and strikethroughs. After a while the double-space and Courier font became inseparable from the narrative and I decided to retain it for the ka-com version.
-Come to that, this is the first fanfic I've made to include strikethroughs as part of the narrative. (And I swear all you livejournal peeps started using tons of them around me subsequently.)
-Gained its name after I noted the similarities in mood with House of Leaves.
-The campfire scene was almost cut, simply because it wasn't inside the house.
-This is the first story in which I retained almost all scenes that I cut. You can view them here.
-The original driving point that encouraged me to write this? The sex scene. Told you I was shameless.
 

Research:

"Funeral Rites of the Hindus and Buddhists" - Mr. Lama - http://www.webhealing.com/articles/lama.html

"Dissociative Disorders" - The Sidran Institute - http://www.sidran.org/didbr.html

"Medications - Xanax" - Red Oak Psychiatry Associates - http://www.redoakpsychiatry.com/medications/xanax.html
 

Notes:

I have historically refrained from taking many notes on fanfiction, preferring to keep notes mental whenever possible. The problem was that since this was a thought-based story, I realized my thoughts were shifting and distorting and plain forgetting things I wanted to keep and write down. So, the only solutions were to write out of sequence (always a bad idea) and take as much notes as I could. I even went so far as to physically write them down. I even went farther and let Cassandra write some for me.

Of course, my handwritten notes are pretty much indecipherable, so they're not included here. What follows instead are my digital notes in their entirety.

Digital Notes

-GOING to discuss sex lives a bit. Along with everything else.

-Dream sequences. More than one? Holding hands, introduction of name Kouryuu.

-DO NOT detail final battle. This is a focus on Sanzo and Kougaiji and their link, and that breaks when Sanzo's companions reemerge.

Conclusion:
 

In My Father's House seems like a bigger project than it is, probably because of how dedicated the writing was. It also had the first live audience I've had in a while-- chapters were finished and posted on ka-com about ten minutes later, without proofing or even spellchecking, to as many beta readers as wanted to click over to read. And by the end I had a few people quite pleased with what I'd done. In this way Father's House is kind of a more personal project, because it's closely tied to the people that read it as it was being written and came back with comments and encouragement the entire way.

At this point it would be rude of me not to thank the people that were instrumental in propelling this thing to its conclusion in such a relatively short time frame, and making me feel like I'm not just talking to air for once.

-K. Koumori, for originally igniting my Kougaiji and DoKou fascination. For being such a great person that I spent every day struggling to make a new chapter for her.
-Delphine, for reading even though the title should have tipped her off about more freaky stuff afoot. And accidentally opening up a smutfic of mine in a room with parentals in it.
-Permetaform, for being a damned crazy person and reading through the whole archive in an afternoon because one of the later chapters caught her eye, for reccing me twice now and shoulderdeviling me to do things, and assuring me that this is not one huge taboo I'm breaking here.
-Reina, for, along with Koumori, being an insanely wonderful reader from the beginning and tackling me over new chapters.
-Cracked Wraith, for reading even though she doesn't know Saiyuki. At least she was there for a while...
-Fenko, for reading the off-side smut piece even if she didn't read the rest of the fic.
-Sovuroko, for not even touching the thing and telling me I'm insane. What are sibs for?

Thanks to everyone who read, and thanks even more to those who stuck around for the notes files. And for not hurting me for all this.

~K.A. Rose

22:11, 28 October 2004
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